Monday, March 11, 2013

Chuck Wendig's Flash Fiction Challenge

I recently stumbled across Chuck Wendig's blog and was immediately hooked. Anyone who hasn't seen his blog should do so immediately because he is utterly hysterical.

Anyways, he recently posted a flash fiction challenge called Choose Your Random Sentence where you go on a random sentence generator and keep clicking through until you find one you like. Once you do, you have to write a 1,000 word flash fiction piece. Intrigued, I went on the random sentence generator and ended up with:

The edge exists opposite the lord.

While utterly nonsensical, I figured I'd give it a shot anyway. So here you go.
Also, there is some swearing in this piece so if you are little-girl scared of bad language then feel free to click away.

No seriously, I'll wait.

“My Lord, you must hide!”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Just looking at this sniveling little wretch prostrated before me, I couldn’t believe he had the audacity to enter my chambers unannounced, let alone suggest I not hold my monthly open forums where I listened to the endless complaining of my subjects. Sure, I would rather eat cow’s dung than listen to their plebeian bleating, but it was my duty and goddamnit I was going to do it!

“Sir, there have been rumors of an Edge…”

“Fah!” I cut him off mid-sentence with more than a little satisfaction. “I have no use for rumors or other such fear mongering.” Stupid little shit doesn’t know who he is talking to apparently. “The Edge do not operate in my realm, or do you not remember them being driven out of this kingdom shortly after my ascension to the throne?”

“Of course sir, but…”

“There is no but in this matter. The Edge do not concern me and nor should they concern you. The only edge you need worry about is the edge of my blade going through your thick skull if you do not exit my chamber immediately and leave me to my duties!”

“Sir, you do not understand!”

“Don’t understand?” I was beginning to get irritated by his familiar tone. “You believe you know better than me? You think to tell me my business? You come in here with lunatic stories about an Edge here to kill me, and dare tell me that I don’t understand the goings on in my own kingdom? Get out immediately or suffer my wrath!”

Expecting that to put him in his place, I turn my back so he can scuttle out of my chambers, but as I wheel back around the little bastard is still where he was, a look of resolute determination on his face.

“Sir if you will not heed my warnings and abdicate your place among today’s proceedings, may I at least provide you with an armed escort for the day. If you are not worried for your own safety, consider it a statement to the people that you will not suffer their trivial complaints without retribution.”

Hmm now there’s an idea. Scare those little bastards into leaving me alone. I may not have to host these little forums ever again if a couple of citizens get beaten for complaining about the cost of clothing or some other nonsense. Nodding curtly to the servant, I returned to my preparations as he quietly shut the door on his way out.

Finally alone, I am able to return to my morning preparations. After picking out the correct clothing and coiffing my hair to perfection, I stroll out of my room in the most suave and stately manner possible, and see the guard detail promised by that nameless wretch already standing guard outside my door. Two imposing looking men are facing me, clubs in hand and ready for action.

Staring dubiously at their clubs, I begin walking down the hallway towards the audience chamber. “Just clubs? I’d figure you two would have something a bit more serious to guard someone of my magnitude.”

The smaller of the two men steps forward and unsheathes a long dagger hidden in his clothing. “The clubs are to draw the eye, my lord, not for use.”

“Very well.” I wave him off and he drops back to walk alongside his companion. At least these two have some manners. “All the same, you may want to keep those clubs ready for use. I am especially short tempered today and some peasants may need to be taught a lesson or two.”

“As you command.” The bigger one’s voice was more of a grunt than anything. I consider letting him know what I think of his pig-speak, but figure I should leave it until I have a larger audience. He likely won’t understand the joke anyway.

I enter the audience chamber still ruminating on my guard’s absurd voice and begin to notice an unusual dearth of noise. My monthly forums have become a favorite of the neurotic and bitchy, so the room is always abuzz with commoners comparing their pathetic little problems. Looking around, I see only one man standing opposite me and looking a great deal more intimidating than earlier in the morning when he was bowing and scraping at my feet.

“What the fuck is this?” I am using my stage voice now that I’m in the audience chamber. It’s deeper and gives me a certain gravitas I generally don’t bother with. Even though the room is virtually empty, the habit is a tough one to kick.

“I was hoping to do this in a more secluded space, but as you were inexplicably determined to force your ill will upon your loyal subjects, an encounter in an open forum was necessitated. Fortunately, the villagers were kind enough to leave before any blood was shed. They anxiously await the news of your demise.” All wheedling is gone from his voice, leaving only a cold efficiency in its place. He is standing up straight now and is clearly in his element.

“Who sent you?” My voice has taken on a rather squeaky tone now that I am staring my own death in the face. My stage voice has deserted me and left me with a rather uncomfortable sore throat, though I imagine that will be the least of my worries in a few moments.

“I already told you, I am an Edge. We exist to oppose all those who seek to oppress those who look to them for guidance. Shouldn’t you know all of this already? It was your tyrannical ways that necessitated our exodus from your lands.”

He’s right about that. The Edge’s fondness for offing rulers who dared treat others as they deserved forced me to attempt their complete eradication years ago. I had assumed I succeeded. Apparently not.

He strides up to me as the two grunting meatheads behind me grab my arms and force me to my knees.

Looking down at me, the Edge smirks confidently. “Any last words?”

I have to think for a minute on that one. All great deaths through history are accompanied by famous last words. Something to instill fear or love in those who heard it. Mind made up, I open my mouth to utter my soon to be renowned last words as that sniveling wretch from my chamber stabs me through the neck, filling my mouth with blood.

As I die, the only thing I can think is, “Oh great, my last words were ‘Hgrk, blach cleck hye… bleehhhh.’”

Not ideal.


  1. Hah! Came out good and the ending was hilarious. Awesome. :)

  2. A very original way to approach writing fiction. I love your writing CBame. I hope you give us a really good book soon. I know I look forward to reading it.

  3. Delightful; well done on making the random into the sensible. And well done in general.